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When PNN announced several weeks ago its immenent closure, i was forced to move all of my content to a new home on tumblr.com - even though we didn't lose our site, i will no longer be updating this page because, well, tumblr is just easier. i can update from my phone and facebook so farewell PNN. 

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www.bahknee.tumblr.com

You've Got to be Carefully Taught

“I’m prejudice.” Julie said.

“What’s that?” i replied.

“It means i don’t like black people.”

“Why?”

“Because my momma told me not to.” responded Julie proudly. i was 10. Julie sat next to me in the 5th grade. and i remember this being the moment i learned what hate was. Julie didn’t hate because she wanted to. She hated because she was taught to. A ten year doesn’t know what hate is. When we are little, we are told to do exactly what our parents say or we get in trouble. in my case, if i didn’t do exactly what i was told, i knew which tree my daddy would pull a switch from. the sting of an old hickory across bare legs is nothing short of excrutiating. i should know, i took a lot of them to my hind legs. He did as my grandparents did, while momma just made me stand in the corner and wait. wait for him to get home. “Wait til your daddy gets home.” that idea alone struck enough fear in  my head to keep my anxiety in peril for hours and my head spinning “thinking about what i had done”.

Daddy was raised in the backwoods of the South. The old South. The South where rebel flags were displayed proudly and gun racks were abundant. and church was a way of life. The Bible Belt was more than just a figure of speech because a church was literally and physically on every single corner. Methodists didn’t talk to Baptists and Baptists wouldn’t caught near a Catholic. Religion, or might i say, organized religion is the foundation of hate.  Daddy was never a Christian man. No. he bore his hate out of sheer ignorance and intolerance. At least, i could understand his hate if he had gone to church and it had been drilled in his head like many others. But no. His hate comes from within and is his own. I’ve spent my entire life hiding from him and his animosity.

He hates anything he doesn’t understand. but he, like so many others, chooses not to understand. it’s easier to hate than to accept. To accept one has to make the choice to be tolerable. But why, Dad? Why the intolerance? Why do you hate? Why do you hate black people? Why do you hate gay people? Why do you hate everything that I am and in turn, hate me? Why is this okay? Me choosing to be gay is about as absurd as someone choosing to be black. We don’t choose these things. it’s born in us. It’s what we are: not who we are. It does not define us. we define ourselves by our actions and our ideas. You define yourself as a liberal. But no liberal would ever say the things you say. you don’t even speak like a conservative. You speak like a white supremist and always have.

Each time you call Ellen DeGeneres a “degenerate” - you call me one. Each time you say “Will and Disgrace” instead of “Will and Grace” it makes me hate you. Congratulations. You have taught me to hate and i don’t want to hate anyone… especially you. but you give me no choice. My heart has been broken and torn a part by you countless times in my 30 years. No more. I can accept you for who and what you are but you cannot accept me. 

You’ve got to be taught
To hate and fear
You’ve got to be taught
From year to Year
It’s got to be drummed 
in your dear little ear
You’ve got to be carefully taught

You’ve got to be taught
To be Afraid
Of people whose eyes 
are oddly made
And people whose skin
Is a different shade
You’ve got to be carefully taught

You’ve got to be taught
Before it’s too late
Before you are 6 or 7 or 8 
To hate all the people 
your relatives hate
You’ve got to be carefully taught

comfort food for thought

a few days ago my friends went out of town and i watched their cats for them. one night i when i went to feed the kitties, i wandered by publix for some groceries. i the only thing i wound up buying were 2 green tomatoes. i haven't had fried green tomatoes in years... basically since i left georgia. 

tonight i decided it would be a good night to fry them up. i found a recipe online and tweaked it to use things i actually had in my house. they turned out to be the best ones i've ever made. 

Out Loud

If you are reading my blog expecting right wing advocacy, you might want to buck up now and prepare for my liberal life. Otherwise, you might just want to proceed to the next blog. I'm a lesbian. and very proud of that fact. My family (and by family, i mean the people i care about who care about me. some related. some not) supports and loves me for who I am, not who you think i should be. Being gay is not a choice. it is something that is as natural as being black. it's born in you. 

on the topic of choice: why in the world would anyone choose to be gay or different, for that matter? we are judged in every facet of our lives. this blog serves as my outlet for peace and understanding in a world of injustice and hurt. 

now my liberal bias may be too extreme for some of you. and that's okay. that's your choice. you may also choose not to read. so be it. it's what you believe. who am i to judge you? just like who are you to judge me? Certainly by bucking up the balls to write online for the world to see, you may think that it sets me up for judgement. and that may be the case, through your eyes. doesn't make you right. doesn't make anyone right.

these are my thoughts, opinions, and experiences. it's for me to look back at later on and hope i made a difference somewhere to someone. after all, isn't that what we're all setting out to do by writing blogs? or posting our Facebook status? etc... 

Beginning Again

i haven't been able to write for a long time and it wasn't because i didn't have internet. i didn't need it because i couldn't manage a coherent thought process to save my own life. this is my first attempt in 2 years. 

i thought it was simply writer's block. i thought it was ADD. i thought it was stress. it was none of the above and a combination of the above at the same time. let me explain.

when i was 21 i was diagnosed with a mild depression and anxiety. Mild my ass. My entire life had been upside down at different moments since i was 9. i had never known what it was like to be "normal". I was sheltered: kept away from any explanations of the truth. repressed from the real world around me. i didn't know that the thoughts i had in my head weren't "normal". to me they were. they were the only thoughts i had ever known; how could they not be normal?

.up next (time to grow up)

I normally try not to wite about my personal issues. Although sometimes, they need to be expressed. It's no big secret that the last 3 years have been trying for me. i wish i could say that i've put it all behind me but i honestly can't. sure. i finally got myself out of my hometown after 3 years of hiding from life. but i don't think i'm over the aftermath and discourse i experienced. i see it everywhere everyday. i see what kind of hell i caused for myself. i  can't blame others anymore knowing it was purely my own fault.

lately i've been thinking about everything that i did to bring the hell upon myself. and it comes down to one big thing: i was refusing to be a grown up. when i think back on  all of the partying i used to do, i am amazed i survided as long as i did on that path. i started thinking about how  every night of the week i had a different place to go and party and a different group of people to hang with. it was pretty much a set schedule of where i would be every night.

as someone with very severe codependancy issues, i hate being alone. in a crowded room, i can be totally alone but okay because there are others around. when i am in a room alone, i want nothing more than to be around someone else. growing up, i was fine being alone because i could live in my head in my own world. as a grown up, it's impossible to invent situations of happiness when you know, realistically, it isn't true. and once your eyes are open, you are in a silent cave of hell.

partying or hanging out with others i would drink a lot. not that i was an alcoholic; i'm definitely not. i only drink around others. but i am addicted to people. i have a starving need to be surrounded by people. normally, i am okay even if no one is talking to me but if they walk away, i panic. codependancy. it's hard. it is impossible to get over. it's so inplanted into my mind that people leave, that i cling hard to those around me. people make fun of me for crying alot. i don't cry because something ends; i get scared of being alone again.

i wish i could move past this issue and be the strong-willed and driven person i used to be. instead of waiting for a change in my life, i wish i could make it on my own. but i am too afraid. afraid of the rejection. afraid of the past. afraid of repeating past mistakes. afraid of landing in the same situation as before.

The Impossible

I made it. I did it. I'm home.

Thursday night about 10:30 I hit the Florida Turnpike. I knew I was less than an hour away at that point. I had been driving since 2:40 that afternoon, just me, my cat, and bunch of road tunes. Oh yeah, I did have about 10 phone calls on the way down. I guess that's what happens when you post on Facebook for your friends to call you since you'll be driving for 8 hours. lol. It definitely worked. Anywho, as i was driving down the Turnpike, it became very clear to me that i had made it home. 

Fireworks began to cover one part of the sky. I giggled. i knew i was home. Suddenly this song came on the radio that i honestly hadn't heard in years, practically since i had first moved down in 2002, when the song came out. Flabbergasted, i realized "I did it! I'm home." I kept repeating the words because they didn't seem real. But the fireworks continued and the song honestly kept playing. I probably should've pulled over because i was crying so hard. Never i my life had i cried happy tears. it was all so surreal. I was home. I AM home.

Now i realize that hardest part of getting myself back down here was the move itself. I had to get up enough strength to do it. Like a bandaid over a deep wound, i just had to pull it off. i had to let the past be the past and push forward on my own.

Now i'm here and i'm not backing down. i just gave up my really good job, my comfortable home, left my family, and leapt. i did it. i made it. I am home.

Unsinkable ships, sink
Unbreakable walls, break
Sometimes the things you think would never happen
Happens just like that
Unbendable steel, bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate
The impossible

Last Day

Awww, it's finally here: the last day of work before the move to the big ol' city. People keep asking if i'm sad that i'm leaving. I'm like "If i were sad to be leaving, i wouldn't leave." Duh. Seriously, i have nothing but gratefulness to this place but it is my time to move on. time to do what i have been dreaming of doing since the moment i left it. time to move forward with my life rather than staying inside this comfort zone of mediocrity.

I am very excited to be leaving on such great terms, too. so many people have been seeking me out just to give a hug and wish me luck. i feel so blessed. so honored.

my only issues now are getting my emissions passable tomorrow. then hitting the road. oh yeah, there is that hurricane brewing in the atlantic, miss hanna will just have to find herself a new place to go. i am not driving in a hurricane, although it's not like i haven't done it before. but honestly, it wasn't fun the first few times.

Untitled Poetry

 and let it be said that the walls came down
and world turned slow almost around
before they knew what lie ahead
no shepherd would let be said.

be brave, take care, fear not old friend
your journey has not come to its end
the beginning sees what lies ahead
in a fate beyond what once was said

i see the seas and hear the winds
blown in my ear, no journey ends
fear asleep, a dormant past wake
no more sheep will die today

no shoes upon the barest feet
no bread before the poorest need
no blinding path of rougish pain
no binding twine to fail but gain.

upon my feet the severed past
far and away at long long last
no more answers, no more cries
no pleas, this is my prize.

Climb Every Mountain

While i sit trying to convince myself to go to bed because i have to be at work early tomorrow, i write. i am thinking. i am listening to the showtunes channel on XM, which is the one of the greatest channels ever, second only to 80's on 8. I hear the nuns singing that old song about following your dreams as i picture the family climbing the alps out of germany to escape the nazis. papa von trapp carrying little gretel on his back while maria holds the hands of the other young children.

i am inspired by such innocence and strength in shear brilliance. i remember seeing the sound of music for the first time when in kindergarten at age 5. i had never seen a projector nor a screen outside of the movie theater. i remember crying and not knowing why. i was 5. it was amazing. i wanted to be little gretel sans the nazis. i wanted to sing with my family. i wanted maria as my nanny.

now i see it as special because of the true power of the situtation. they walked on foot up the mountains to escape. on foot. no car. no plane. no train. how amazing were they. i was 5. i knew then i could do what i wanted. and be what i wanted. i am trying to be that. the strong von trapp who persevered over tyranny into greatness.

i will survive. they survived. i will trudge forward. i can do this.

Climb every mountain, search high and low
Follow every by way, every path you know
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Follow every rainbow, till you find your dream
A dream that will need, all the love you can give
Everyday of your life, for as long as you live
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Follow every rainbow, till you find your dream
A dream that will need, all the love you can give
Everyday of your life, for as long as you live
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Follow every rainbow, till you find your... dream...

Do Not Go Gentle

From where i sit, the answers are simple. but standing is another story. i see the answeers and the journey ahead but when i stand up to movew towards them, i tend to freeze in fear and reverance of what else may come.

i once spent 3 months living out of a suitcase. i sometimes slept in spare rooms of friends, on couchs, once in the breakroom at work. i showered in the lockeroom at work and very rarely left. it was hard being homeless. i survived. i made it. with wisdom and perseverance i delved forward. in strife i look baack knowing what i can accomplish. in fear, i stand still waiting for something more to take place to tell me i'm no better than i was 3 years ago.

it is hard. i go forward. from here on out, i stand. ready. waiting.

Dylan Thomas once wrote:

"Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage. RAGE against the dying of the light."

Watch me rage.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Defying Gravity

Here we go... One more time. I swore I wouldn't do it again but i have to take that chance and leap. Alone. Ready. Scared. I heard that if you're scared, it means you know you still have something to lose. so true. so true. so here we go. here i go.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity

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A little about me...I've been on stage more times than i can remember. I pretend that i can sing... but i've always been afraid to sing in the shower. I love to sing karaoke and rock out to showtunes in my car. I love speaking in British accents even though I'm a native of Georgia.

By day, i am a caped crusader of divine sport. By night I am a geek. I love learning. I believe that if we stop learning, we stop growing. And if we stop growing, we stop living. Who could call that a life when it is no more than a comfortable existence.

I read a lot: fantasy, biography, fiction, how-to, etc.. i'm normally never without some sort of book in my hands, sometimes it's even a coloring book i carry. When i'm not reading books, i'm reading things off the internet: stories, articles, whatever sparks my interest, which is very random and nonsequential.

I love to write about what i learn and what i discover. Expression through words is my sweet release. Occassionally I even draw and yes, i'm even quite good at it. When i was little, to shut me up, my parents gave me a big box of crayons. What didn't go on the walls or carpet, went into thoughts and dreams. I've been doing it ever since.

Sometimes, i write poetry. Sometimes, i write stories (which i never finish) because if i can't put everything down in one sitting, i tend not to pick it up again. Yes, short attention span... hey look! A-Team reruns are on! 

To the Batmobile, Robin!

About.me/Bahknee